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    Love as much as Hate (FFWC #5 winning entry)

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    Posts : 191
    Join date : 2010-04-22
    Age : 24
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    Love as much as Hate (FFWC #5 winning entry)

    Post  Taka.Taksi on Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:36 am

    It’s a sunny Monday morning and everyone’s so cheery as usual. Here I am sitting quietly in my chair in the far corner of the room, keeping a safe distance from everything else.

    Ever since I had my heart broken, I’ve been afraid of getting too close or too familiar with people around me. The pain of losing someone is so unbearable that I don’t want to feel it again. I admit it; I’m bad at losing people.

    The bell rang and everyone went back to their seats. The professor entered the room and we all bowed and seated back again.

    “Good morning class! Today, we’ll be having a new student in class so everyone please be nice.” said the professor.

    The new student entered the room, wrote his name on the board and faced the class. He bowed down and introduced himself.

    “My name’s Suichiro Amasaki. Nice to meet you all.” He said and smiled. I noticed how black his eyes were. They were like pebbles.

    “Okay then Mr. Amasaki, you can sit… Ah, there, right beside Ms. Amuro.” The professor said and Suichiro walked his way beside me.

    “Nice to meet you Ms. Amuro.” He said, smiled and listened to the professor. I didn’t give him any reply; I just sat there quietly beside him, answering some of his questions. At lunch time, he asked me if he can join me.

    “Sorry, but, I don’t eat lunch.” Was my reply and I left the room. I can hear the other guys telling him that being rude was my natural self. I sighed and went to the roof top to have peace and quiet. I thought about how Suichiro’s eyes were looking at me a while ago. It’s like they can see right through me, piercing with every second they stare at me. I stayed there until the bell rang again and I went back to the classroom and sat beside Suichiro again.

    I tried to avoid him at all cost. I was scared; scared to be close to him, scared to be friends with him, and scared to fall for him. I was… scared of him. Everytime he comes close, I walk away. I even stopped answering his questions about homeworks and stuff. But despite all of the ignorance, he stayed with me. He walks around with even though I wasn’t paying attention to him. He walked me all the way home everyday and even tries to cheer me up.

    “I can’t take it anymore! The more he keeps being nice to me, the more I get close to him. If this keeps up, I’ll fall for him! I can’t let that happen, I can’t!”

    At the day of my birthday, he gave me a present. It was a nice necklace with a letter “M” pendant. I tried to give it back saying I don’t wear jewelries but he insisted.

    “The letter “M” stands for Miku. That’s your name right? Happy Birthday!” he said and kissed my forehead. The warmth of his lips was penetrating. It’s like he’s trying to melt me down; melt me down into his arms.

    “Why are you doing this?! You’re making everything so hard for me! Why can’t you just leave me alone like everyone else?! Just leave me here in my little darkness where I can be happy, where I can be at ease, where I can just forget about everything?! Just… Leave… Please…”

    “Please…” I managed to say as I started to cry. Droplets of tears started to fall down my cheeks. “Please…”

    “W-why are you crying?! Was it something I’ve said?! Please don’t cry! I-I’m so sorry! I…” he said, panicking. I couldn’t speak. His warm hands holding my arms are taking away the words I wanted to tell him.

    “Stay away… Oh please… Stay away…”

    He hugged me tight as I continued to cry. He said sorry for a hundredth time but still I continue to cry. He’s even whispering sorry as he hugged me. His breath against my ear was so sweet that I hugged him back.

    “Why are you doing this? You’re making everything so hard for me! Why can’t you just leave me alone like everyone else? Just leave me here in my little darkness where I can be happy, where I can be at ease, where I can just forget about everything?! Just… Leave… Please…” I said. I was shocked at how broken my voice sounded. The words seemed to be piercing through me. Who was I kidding? I wanted him to stay; I wanted him to hug me forever. I wanted time to stop at this moment, forever.

    “W-what? Why should I leave you in the darkness where it’s lonely and… Well, dark? If you want to stay there, I’ll go with you. I’ll go wherever you want to go, no matter how much you try to ignore me.” He said.

    “I didn’t want to ignore you… I was just scared… I…” I said. “I was scared to be hurt. I was scared to be close to you. I was scared to lose you. I was scared, and I still am.” A voice inside me said.

    “Scared of what?” he asked. I stayed silent. My tears started to dry up. “Scared of what? Tell me.” He asked again but I walked away from him.

    I continue to ignore him and he continues to try and get through me. He has no idea how much my barrier weakens around him. Darkness around me is always banished when he’s around. The cold is changed into warm, a nice feeling. Spaces and emptiness inside me is slowly being filled up. The scariest thing happened, I’ve fallen for him and there’s nothing I can do about it.

    The next day, he didn’t go to school. I was looking for him deep inside but I stayed quiet and unfeeling outside. I was missing him so badly. I looked out the window and saw the leaves of the trees being blown away by the wind.

    “Have you heard?”

    “About what?”

    “Suichiro’s family’s leaving today. I heard the teachers talking to Suichiro and his parents a while ago at the faculty room. I think it’s about his father’s work.”

    “Oh that’s so sad. Suichiro-kun was so popular too.”

    I couldn’t believe what I’ve heard. Leaving? Suichiro’s leaving? Today? I ran all the way to the faculty room and Suichiro wasn’t there. I asked the teachers where he’s gone.

    “Oh they’re leaving today. They’re on their way to the airport right now.”

    My sight started to blur. Everything around me was turning. He was leaving. It was getting harder to breathe. I gasped and fell on my knees.

    “You said you’ll go with me! Why are you leaving?!”

    I stood up and started to run. I have to tell him, I have to stop him. I ran as fast as I could. I have to catch them before they get to the airport or at least before they leave the country. It was a good half an hour run before I could reach the airport. I was gasping for air when I arrived. I looked for Suichiro. I have to see him, I have to touch him, I have to tell him!”

    “Where are you? Don’t leave me! Stay! Oh please stay!”

    My sight started to blur again. Tears started to pour down my face as I tried to see through them, hoping to find Suichiro. I looked everywhere, here and there but I couldn’t find him.

    “Suichiro! Suichiro! S-suichiro!” I shouted around the airport hoping to hear his voice answering my call.


    I turned around as I recognize the voice. There I saw Suichiro standing in front of me, staring at me with his pure black eyes. I ran to him and hugged him tight, crying.

    “Miku? What are you doing here? How did you know I was leaving?”

    “Why didn’t you tell me? Why are you leaving me? Stay! Please stay!”

    “Why are you leaving me all of a sudden? I thought you’ll go wherever I go? Why are you leaving me?” I said as I cried into his arms. This is exactly why I tried to stay away from people. I was afraid of getting close to them; I was scared of losing them.

    “I’m not lying about going wherever you want to. If you still haven’t notice, I love you Miku and that’s true. I’m not going away forever; I can’t stand being away from you for so long. I’ll be right back after my father finish his work there okay?” he said.

    “Stay! I want you to stay! Suichiro I love you too, please stay! Don’t leave me!” I cried. I hugged him tighter as if my arms can stop him from going away. I wanted him to stay with me forever.

    “I want to stay. But I have to go. I’ll come back for you I promise.” He said and kissed me. I held on to his shirt as he tried to walk away from me. He slowly lowered my hand and walked away. I stood there silently. I wanted to stop him, I wanted to make him stay but there’s nothing I can do. My heart was hurting like it’s gonna pop.

    “The pain of staying away from someone you love is unbearable. The pain of losing someone can drive you crazy. I wanted to stop the time and stop him from going away but my body stayed there unmoved. This is the feeling that I was so scared of. This is exactly why I stayed away from people, to avoid getting hurt like this.”

    I went home crying, broken. I dreamt about Suichiro that night and ended up waking up screaming. I’m bad at losing people and I hate myself for it. I hate him. I hate him so much that I love him. That’s right I love him. I love him so much and I hate myself for it too.

    “Loving you is like the first kiss I had with you. It’s sweet because of your warmth and your love. But it’s also bitter because of the pain I feel whenever I think about being separated with you someday. I’m bad at losing people. But, I’m worse at losing you…”

    I looked up and said to myself, “Oh Suichiro… I love you, as much as I hate myself for loving you.”

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